Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, October 6 2010

Lengths sports fans will go to

“MAYBE you could call work and say I’m in hospital and tell them I have some kind of injury, say from a car crash?”

The prospect of flying back to Mackay, after 10 days and two great games of AFL in Melbourne, and missing the Grand Final replay was more than I could take.

But my mum just shot me a look which said “nice try you idiot”.

I actually seriously considered faking some kind of ailment so I could stay in Melbourne for just one more week to see my beloved Pies have another shot at premiership glory.

But the guilt got the better of me and I, reluctantly, got on my early morning flight back to Mackay. Part of me still regrets that choice.

However, we have all seen those television advertisements where poor Johnny is caught out in a television crowd shot at the cricket, which, unluckily, is viewed by his boss.

Ok, so scamming an extra week’s stay in Melbourne probably wasn’t a good idea.

But some sports fans do go to extreme lengths to show their support for their team.

Take Collingwood tragic Bob Ward who, at finals time, cruises around Melbourne in a van decorated with photos of Magpies players and speakers on the roof which pump out the club theme song.

And who could forget that South African fan at the World Cup who dressed in canary yellow Lycra and tortured crowds with a vuvuzela horn which made a horrific noise?

Closer to home, Wests Tigers fan Geraldine Wolfe loved her team so much that she named her five sons after five of the club’s greats. And for good measure, her two daughters have middle names of Eels greats to mark the family’s split allegiance between the two teams.

One fanatic worth a mention is Collingwood supporter Justin Witcombe who tattooed a magpie and the number 35 on his “manly parts” because he “ran out of room”.

That reminds me, I am one of those crazy sports fans.

Better make that date with the ink man for that premiership tattoo.

Rockin' with some top acts

Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, September 29

“WILL you be getting married soon after tonight?” I could have sworn he was looking at me (or possibly my friend standing next to me) and it made me almost spit my beer out onto the floor.


Something for Kate front man Paul Dempsey was searching the crowd after he announced that some corny, ok and sweet guy, had vowed to propose on stage if the band played their track ‘You only hide’.

And no I wasn’t proposed to, but after the concert at Melbourne’s Forum Theatre I had well and truly fallen for Dempsey and the band.

We have had a couple of encounters since then but it has been a while so I am pretty excited that Dempsey, currently solo, has chosen Mackay as one of the few places he will open for Powderfinger’s farewell tour.

Melbourne band Jet will also play at the Mackay Showgrounds on Sunday which makes for a pretty sweet line-up. It’s not very often you get three class acts in Mackay on one weekend.

When you live in a metropolitan city each weekend presents a plethora of musical talent that you can go along and see, whether it be a home-grown or international act.

It’s something you don’t really take much notice of until you move to a regional city, like Mackay. Let’s be honest, there is pretty much no chance you’ll see Muse or Foo Fighters in Mackay. You’ll have to fly to Brisbane or another capital city for that.

But while the chance of an international super-band gracing us with their presence is scarce, there have been quite a few good Aussie acts that have played here during the year: John Butler, Ash Grunwald and Bluejuice just to name a few.

And there’s a few more on their way: British India, Sarah Blasko and Grinspoon are among them.

But it all starts on Sunday with Brisbane rockers Powderfinger, Jet and Paul Dempsey. If you haven’t already for Sunday’s concert at the showgrounds, I suggest you do.

Who knows, if we fill out the showgrounds Dempsey and Jet may fall for Mackay and include us on their next tours.

Those things you love to hate

Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, September 15 2010

DON’T you hate it when...?


Don’t you hate it when some random guy asks to sip your mojito, and when you say “no” their friend says “good choice, he’s got aids”?

Don’t you hate it when someone doesn’t pull their weight, especially when they appear to be carrying the most of it?

Don’t you hate it when you move into a new house and scratch your car on the side of the carport when you have only lived there two days and your housemate did exactly the same thing the day before?

Don’t you hate it when you move to a regional centre in Queensland and realise it’s the only one without a Sizzler and an all-you-can-eat Pizza Hut is four hours up the road?

Don’t you hate it when you have to go back to Melbourne where it’s wet and horrible, while it’s sunny and 27 degrees in Mackay?

Don’t you hate it when someone tells you a story then delivers the same one five times even though they know you are still within earshot?

Don’t you hate it when someone hacks your Facebook account and puts on your status that you were intimate with someone last night when you haven’t been getting “intimate” for some time?

Don’t you hate it when an adult has a hissy fit like a 13-year-old and then proceeds to sulk for a week when they realise nobody appreciated it?

Don’t you hate it when you realise you went one beer too far?

Don’t you hate it when people dirty your bed sheet, especially when they didn’t ask to sleep in your bed?

Don’t you hate it when someone presumes you don’t like Mackay just because you’re a southerner?

Don’t you hate it when your friend gets drunk and stains your carpet, smears fingerprints all over your car windscreen or steals your alcohol?

Don’t you hate when someone spends more time whinging about their workload than they spend doing actual work?

Don’t you hate it when, don’t you just hate it when?!

Don’t you hate it when you get to the end of a column and realise there was no point to it? Sorry, I knew you may have hated it but I just had to do it.

One-eyed footy fan in finals heaven

Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, September 8 2010

SEPTEMBER and I have had a love affair for as long as I can remember.


I’ve always loved the first month of spring and it’s got nothing to do with my birthday or the smell of orange blossoms in the air.

It’s because of... FOOTY!

And when I say footy I’m not talking about that game which has scrums and tries.

Nor am I talking about that other game with nets and goal keepers.

I’m talking about real footy, the game with screamers, torpedos and bananas from the boundary line.

To me, there is only one real footy code and it’s AFL. It’s the code that boasts the best spectacle, the best bods as well as the most passionate – and feral – supporters.

Sadly, my team is often mistaken for the most feral of them all. You can tell as many ‘toothless’ Collingwood supporter jokes as you like. It’s a misrepresentation and no matter what you say my support for my beloved Pies won’t waver.

My love affair with September becomes even more passionate when Collingwood are on the march. But even when they’re not, there’s just something about the four-week battle to make it to that last Saturday in September.

Humble houses in suburban Melbourne become temples for die-hard fans of teams in the AFL finals race.

Country towns have decorations of biblical proportions if their local team qualifies for the district grand final.

The Mecca, the MCG, comes alive. The atmosphere is electric and anyone who has experienced it knows the chill that goes down your spine when 90,000 supporters let loose as the first siren sounds.

You see, footy is a religion in Victoria. It’s just such a shame that North Queensland is yet to be converted. But there’s still time.

If you haven’t been to an AFL game, it’s not too late to see one in Mackay this year. It may not be the MCG, but Harrup Park is a pretty good place to catch a game of footy.

And what better time than this Saturday when the Mackay City Hawks and Whitsunday Sea Eagles fight it out for Mackay’s own Holy Grail.

Rat's tail can't cut it with the girls

Southern Mel,
Daily Mercury, September 1 2010

AMY Winehouse has the bird’s nest. Donald Trump has the comb over. Joe Dirt has the mullet. Mackay has... err, the rat’s tail.

When I arrived in Mackay I thought I had stepped back in time to the early 1990s when MC Hammer was cool and acid wash jeans were all the rage.

I’m probably about to hit a nerve, but there is no way I, in the words of MC Hammer, ‘can’t touch this’ subject.

Before I moved to Mackay, I hadn’t seen a rat’s tail for at least 15 years.

Actually, I reckon the last time I saw one was on my younger brother when he was about five. For some reason my mum, who gave me my beautiful blunt fringe as a youngster, decided it would be a good idea for my bro to grow a rat’s tail. I remember that my nanna kept threatening to get out the scissors and cut it off.

At the time, I thought my nanna was being mean but now I realise that she had good reason to want to give his rat’s tail the big chop.

Guys, I am yet to talk to any girl who thinks a long tail of hair sprouting from the back of a man’s head is attractive.

And I’m pretty sure the circa 1990s hairstyle won’t do you any favours when it comes to getting a job.

So why do so many guys sport rat’s tails in Mackay? Is it because they absorb the sweat dripping down their necks in the hot, humid weather?

Do they provide a good conversation starter down at Sails on a Sunday? Am I missing something here?

What I didn’t miss one night at the gym were the six guys with rat’s tails working out.

Maybe this gives credence to the sweat theory, but boys your buff bodies won’t be the first thing a gal notices. It will be the hair sprouting from the back of your neck.

My housemate is Mackay born and bred and also struggles to explain this rat’s tail phenomena. And we think it’s no coincidence that a giant’s rat’s tail is also a noxious weed.

I was happy to escape Melbourne’s bad emo hairstyles and mohawk resurgence.

Now I feel the urge to carry a pair of scissors in my bag in fear of that dreaded hairy rat.

Loaded question has no answer

Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, 25 August 2010

“ARE you from here?” I paused, as any Mackay resident from down south would.

“Do you live here?” Ah yes, a much simpler question to answer. “Yes, I live here, but I’m originally from Melbourne,” I replied as we stood waiting in the taxi rank.

Now the first question may sound simple, but it’s not one for me, or any other southerner for that matter.

And it’s not because we are ashamed to say we live in Mackay. Far from it. It’s because we are in the midst of an identity crisis.

If I said yes to the initial question I would have felt I was being dishonest. If I said no, I would have felt like I was dissing Mackay.

Well, I am glad I waited for the follow-up question, as the two girls I was chatting to were tourists. “We are from Rockhampton. Is the wait for taxis always this bad?”

I told them it was usually busy on a Saturday night.

“Argh, we never have to wait this long in Rocky,” one of the girls moaned.

I guess sometimes the wait was a bit tedious. But I could only compare it to Melbourne where you could virtually hail a cab from any corner.

“Another question. Why are the clubs so expensive to get into here?” Another question I couldn’t answer. Again, I could only compare to Melbourne where there were more clubs to choose from, thus it was easier to avoid a cover charge.

“Well obviously people are happy to pay it,” was all I could offer. Fortunately, the

girls then jumped in a cab. It was far too early in the morning for them to fire off more questions I couldn’t answer.

But on the way home I wondered why that first question was so difficult to answer. How long do I have to live here before I can say I’m from Mackay? Will I always be from Melbourne? When I went to Melbourne for a week I was keen to get back to Mackay.

Does that count for anything?

Halfway home now, I fired off my own question. “Are you from here?” The cab driver paused for a second before replying: “Well, I’m originally from Brisbane but I moved up here three years ago.” Looks like I’ll grapple with this one for a wee bit longer.

Waiting to have health put first

Southern Mel,
Daily Mercury, August 18 2010

“PRAISE the Lord!” There he stood, about five foot ten with a two-day growth, and his arms, one bleeding, spread like a bird while yelling hallelujah.

No, this wasn’t a scene out of Passion of the Christ or another religious movie. It was the scene in a hospital emergency room in suburban Melbourne.

“Praise the Lord. I thought I was going to bleed to death,” he said as a roomful of about 50 watched on. It had been a boring four-hour wait, so watching this guy make a scene was quite amusing indeed. The doctor quietly told the bleeding man to control himself before whisking him down the hallway.

I recalled this amusing, but serious, sight as I wrote an article about TomGraham’s 31-hour wait for surgery on a severed finger a couple of weeks ago.

I had heard a lot about Queensland’s ailing health system before arriving in Mackay. But it really hit home when I wrote that Mr Graham, a Moranbah miner, severed his ring finger at 2.30pm one day in a freak drill accident but wasn’t operated on until 10pm the next day.

I don’t think the man with the two-day growth waited as long as Mr Graham for surgery.

But when I watched him struggle to stem the bleeding with a homemade bandage it was clear he needed medical attention. ASAP.

All I know is he was in the waiting room before I arrived with my broken thumb. My thumb had been broken for more than 24 hours, so I had no problem letting more critical patients go first – particularly those who claimed they would die waiting.

I’m sure Mr Graham also had no dramas with those with more serious ailments being treated first. But nobody with a severed finger should wait as long as he did for surgery.

So this week I had my own “praise the Lord” moment when Prime Minister Julia Gillard firmly put health on the agenda at her official campaign launch in Brisbane.

Every Australian deserves a first-class health system. Let’s hope we don’t die waiting, regardless of the outcome of Saturday’s poll.

From down Mexico Way

Southern Mel
Daily Mercury, August 11

I’ve got a confession to make. No I’m not a man. Nor do I have six toes. Although some readers may consider it a deformity.

Here it goes… I’m from down south, way south. Melbourne’s suburbs to be exact. Yes, that’s right I’m a Mexican.

If I had a dollar for every time someone here called me one I would be rich. Okay, maybe $50 richer. Actually, I’d probably have more in my back pocket if I had $1 for every Mexican I’ve met in the Mack. Melbournites, Sydneysiders, South Australians and even Tasmanians have invaded the city. And we’re all here to take your jobs and whine and moan about the state of the place.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Mackay. But like every Mexican, I am guilty of sometimes starting my sentences with ‘down south we…’. Moving to a regional city, like Mackay, requires a lot of adjustment and I’m still getting there.

I remember how fast my heart sank when I discovered, upon my arrival, that I couldn’t shop on a Sunday. I also remember the time I drove to the shops on a Friday night only to discover they were shut. Woops, I forgot I was about 2300kms north of the fashion capital.

Come to think of it, Mackay is the same distance from the nation’s sporting capital and home of the AFL, Australia’s greatest game. You may disagree, but there is only Holy Grail and it’s not State of Origin glory.

Although, I will admit that I quite enjoyed the clean-sweep. I may be from down south, but it sure feels good to crush a cockroach. It would also feel good to get a dollar every time I commented on my Melbourne friends’ Facebook statuses that said ‘I’m freezing’, ‘over this rain’, or ‘finally shaking the flu’.

There’s one thing I don’t miss about Melbourne – and that’s the weather. Mum and Dad, I’ll see you when the sun comes out in September for the march to the Holy Grail.

Snap!

Photography. I've dabbled in a bit since I arrived in Mackay. Here's a selection of some snaps:

Calling all cars

Bertie Blackman

Ash Grunwald

City Hawks v Eastern Swans

City Hawks v Eastern Swans

City Hawks v Eastern Swans

Eungella NP


Eungella NP


Eungella NP

10 of the best

A collection of some of my favourite articles that I have written. In no particular order.

The award winner:
A MOTHER dying of cancer, whose daughter has a life threatening disease, could soon be homeless. http://www.starnewsgroup.com.au/story/55757

15 minutes with Australia's first female PM:
How do you feel about the term ‘ranga' and the fuss that's been made about your hair colour?
http://www.dailymercury.com.au/story/2010/07/05/qa-with-nations-new-pm-julia-gillard/

Later picked up by the Herald Sun:
A TRIBUNAL has suspended a Garfield Football Club volunteer from goal umpiring until 2011 after he was reported – by a field umpire - for abusive language in a reserves clash http://www.starnewsgroup.com.au/story/79438

First front page and a talking point on SEN:
AN UMPIRE was hit with a can and others were sprayed with alcohol and spat on in an ugly conclusion to a senior Ellinbank and District Football League (EDFL) game on Saturday.
http://www.starnewsgroup.com.au/story/41369

The expose:
YOU named the thief who was caught on CCTV with a set of spanners down his pants – but police were too busy to nab him before he left the country.
http://www.dailymercury.com.au/story/2010/03/18/police-too-busy-to-arrest-thief-police-too-busy-to/

One of the most difficult interviews ever:
ALAN Hutchinson was fast asleep when he came within metres of death on Sunday morning as a tree came crashing down on his caravan.
http://www.dailymercury.com.au/story/2010/03/23/ului-frightens-finch-hatton/

Funny stuff:
A SCHOOL holiday prank has seen Beaconhills College labelled a “racist” co-educational school with a campus in a secret jihad facility in northern Pakistan.
http://www.starnewsgroup.com.au/story/69479

Fandom:
KRISTY Cook has a different Twilight shirt for each day of the week – so it was fitting she got her hands on the first ticket to Mackay's premiere of Eclipse.
http://www.dailymercury.com.au/story/2010/07/01/twilight-eclipsethe-third-film-in-the-twilight-sa/

Dumber and dumber:
CRIME doesn’t always pay – and it certainly didn’t for thieves who must have been short of a few cents when they stole an ATM with a ‘no money’ sign on it.
http://www.dailymercury.com.au/story/2010/02/06/dimwits-take-the-atm-with-no-cash/

Fun puns:
CAROLS by Candlelight celebrations in Emerald and Pakenham recently were far from peaceful with reports of violence at both events.
http://www.starnewsgroup.com.au/story/53022

Life in the Mack

So I must say life is pretty good at the moment... as good as it's ever been. Maybe better.
Loving life here in Mackay - the lifestyle is great, work is good, love our house and have myself some great drinking pals.
And if you are reading this from Melbourne, think of me in a couple of months when you are freezing your ass off!
Anyhow, got a busy couple of months planned. Heading to Townsville on the May Day weekend (again if your reading this from Melbourne that means Labour Day weekend). Then hopefully heading to Brissy for the Collingwood v Lions game on the 29th.
Also thinking that July will be a good time to head to the Gold Coast and Sunny Coast where I will meet up with Tom and Bel.
Then the parents are coming up in June - full on!!
Oh, and in January I am off to New Zealand. Thinking of hiring a winnebago and touring the South Island. Planning to jump out of a plane at Queenstown.
So how's life in Melbourne? I read Carl Williams is dead so I am predicting writing for Underbelly Season Five is underway.
Does anyone even read this blog?

My drinking buddies Fallon and Christie (aka Alaska)

Hello 2010

2010... will be the year of travel.
I have a few destinations in mind, and I have already ticked the first one off my list but would go there again in a heartbeat.
The destinations are:
1. Airlie Beach (done)
2. Brisbane (going at end of May)
3. Thailand/Hawaii (planning for October)
4. Townsville
5. Hamilton Island
6. Cairns
7. Port Douglas

I'm not sure if I wll get to the last three, but the first four are very do-able. I will also make it back to Melbourne at least three times during the year, beginning in February.

Old home v new home

Victoria and Queensland. Similar but sometimes feel like a world apart.
Here's some differences, some subtle and others not so, that I have picked up on.

1. Queenslanders say true a lot. Eg) I say "this guy was born with six fingers but had four toes" they say "true"

2. Queenslanders have real tans although there is a lot of fake tan studios.

3. Not sure if it's Queensland or just Mackay but getting your haircut seems to be an expensive exercise. I was first quoted $210 just for half a head of foils and a trim. Extortion!

4. On the whole, there appears to be a lot less obese people in Mackay. Not sure if its the heat or what it is. If I had a set of scales I could test that theory.

5. Queenslanders refer to Year 12s as Grade 12s. Not sure why that is.

6. Queensland has Sizzlers, although the nearest one for me is in Rockhampton.

7. The pace of life is definitely a lot faster in Melbourne. I've noticed that in Queensland less people honk their horns.

8. Here kids generally finish school when they're 17, not 18 like in Victoria.

9. Melbourne is the place to be for live music. Gigs are few and far between in regional Queensland.

10. Apparently Queenslanders say "ay" at the end of most sentences but I haven't noticed.

So I am almost unpacked!
The hot water has been switched on, we have bought heaps of house stuff and just waiting for the TV aerial to be fixed.
The house is rad, I really love it. And we are only a $10 taxi ride or 15 minute walk to the centre of town.
It's been a massive week. Started when we got the keys on Monday, moved in Tuesday, cleaned and shopped the house Wednesday, had a big night out Friday and got on it again (although moderately) Saturday. Then I worked on Sunday!
I love that you can wake up everyday here and know that the sun is going to shine. However, you never know what's in the water... stingers, sometimes sharks and sometimes crocodiles.
It all makes for a good news story though I guess!
Don't know what else to say... how's life in Melbourne? I hear it's hot, hot, hot! My mum flew back on Wednesday and thinks she is the weatherman or something!
Time for a shower. Good thing it's hot, hot, hot!

Mackay part 1

Mackay...

Bigger and more stunning than what I had imagined.
I arrived on Tuesday afternoon, after a long drive, and I'm impressed with what I have seen of the town thus far.
The harbour, marina, shopping strip, restuarant, pubs, clubs, beaches and river - it's a beautiful city.
Then there's Airlie Beach which is less than two hours away, Eungela National Park which is a 1.5hr drive and Brampton Island (30 minute boat ride).
I think I am really going to like this place!
That is provided I can get a rental! Hoping for this cute three bedroom double-storey blue house near the city, should find out tomorrow. If not, I may be homeless!
This week, apart from house hunting, I have been doing all the tourist stuff. Today, we drove up to Shute Harbour (near Airlie) for a Whitsunday day cruise. The boat, twice Sydney to Hobart winner Raggamuffin, took us to Pearl Bay (off Hayman Island) where we got to snorkel along the Great Barrier Reef.
Yesterday, we checked out Mackay Harbour and the Marina, then on Wednesday we drove to Eungella NP to see the Cascade Falls.
We will see what the weekend brings and look forward to starting my new job on Monday!

Pearl Bay, Hayman Island

Cascade Falls, Eungella NP